The Four Horsemen in Relationships—and Their Antidotes
I want to share a tool that I’ve been teaching couples for years: the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, from the Gottman Method.
If you’re not familiar with the Gottman’s, they’re two of the most well-respected researchers in couples therapy. Their method is one of the few evidence-based approaches we have, rooted in decades of studying real couples over time. They’ve not only researched communication, but also created programs for couples at different life stages—like the “Bringing Baby Home” curriculum for new parents. Their work is practical, research-driven, and extremely valuable.
One of the most impactful things they’ve given us is this idea of the “Four Horsemen.” No, not the biblical ones—but four patterns of communication that, if left unchecked, predict a relationship heading toward trouble.
The good news? Each of these destructive patterns also has an antidote. And learning to use the antidote is how couples move away from disconnection and back toward closeness.
Let’s walk through them one by one.
1. Criticism → Gentle Startup
What it is:
Criticism happens when you attack your partner’s personality or character instead of talking about a specific behavior. It often starts with “You always…” or “You never…”
For example:
“You spend too much time at work. I don’t even know why you bother coming home.”
The problem is that criticism usually hides a valid feeling or need—but it gets buried under harsh language.
What’s underneath it:
That same partner might actually be feeling something like:
“I’ve been feeling disconnected lately. I miss you, and I’d love if we could spend more time together.”
Do you hear the difference? One attacks the person, while the other expresses a vulnerable emotion and a desire for connection.
The antidote – Gentle Startup:
The Gottman’s found something fascinating: the first three minutes of a conflict predicts with 95% accuracy whether or not the whole conversation will go well. That means how you start a conversation matters more than most of us realize.
Use “I” language instead of “You” language. (“I feel disconnected” vs. “You never listen.”)
Focus on positive needs. Instead of “I want you to stop working so much,” try, “I want more time together.”
When we ask for what we want in positive, vulnerable language, we give our partner something clear to move toward—not just something to avoid.
2. Contempt → Build a Culture of Appreciation
What it is:
Contempt is like criticism, but with extra venom. It’s not about one specific behavior—it’s a sweeping judgment of your partner’s character, often with an air of superiority.
Examples of contempt:
“You’re so lazy.”
“You’re useless with money.”
Eye-rolling, scoffing, mocking.
Why it’s dangerous:
Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. It creates an uneven playing field, where one person is “above” the other. It also makes compromise and empathy almost impossible. When you believe you’re better than your partner, you stop caring about their perspective.
Contempt also grows quietly, often in our thoughts. After a fight, you might walk away stewing: “They never listen. They don’t care. I deserve better.” Over time, those private ruminations corrode the relationship—even before words are spoken. You can easily ruin a relationship by yourself with these ruminations.
The antidote – Build a Culture of Appreciation:
There are two parts to this:
Internally – Choose to focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Gratitude interrupts the cycle of negative rumination. Something as simple as ending your day by naming two things you appreciated about your partner can shift the tone of your relationship over time. Ruminating on positives.
Out loud – Express appreciation and admiration regularly. Appreciation is for specific actions (“Thanks for making dinner tonight”). Admiration speaks to deeper qualities (“I admire how patient you are with our kids”). Both matter.
Contempt says “I’m better than you.” Appreciation says “I see you, I value you, and I’m glad we’re in this together.”
3. Defensiveness → Take Responsibility
What it is:
Defensiveness victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attacked or reverse the blame.
For example:
Partner: “Can we sit down and talk about how we both can be more present in our children’s lives?”
Defensive response: “Oh here you go again, getting on to me for how little I’m home. You know I’m not home often because I have to earn more for this family, right?! You know what, why don’t you start putting in more effort then maybe I won’t have to work so much!”
Why it’s harmful:
Defensiveness shuts down honest conversation. If every concern is met with excuses or counter-attacks, the other person learns not to bring things up. Vulnerability dries up, and resentment grows. In a healthy relationship, you reward vulnerability.
The antidote – Take Responsibility:
This comes in two steps:
Validate your partner’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you agree with every detail—it means you acknowledge that their feelings make sense given their experience. For example, “I hear you and I think that’s a good idea. I have been really bothered with how little time I spend in their lives and I would love for us to sit down and strategize a different approach.”
Own your part. A simple “That sounds like a good idea, let’s sit down later tonight and do just that because I want it to improve.” goes a long way.
Sometimes taking responsibility even means saying sorry when your intent was good but the impact was not. Healthy couples understand that relationships are about the “us,” not just the “me.” If something hurts the “us,” it’s worth addressing.
4. Stonewalling → Physiological Self-Soothing
What it is:
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws completely, refusing to engage in the conflict. It often sounds like:
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
Silence. Walking away without explanation.
Why it’s harmful:
To the partner on the receiving end, stonewalling feels like abandonment. It says: “You don’t care enough to even try.” Over time, it creates deep disconnection.
The antidote – Self-Soothing with a Promise to Return:
Stonewalling is often a “flight” response when we’re overwhelmed. Taking a break isn’t bad in itself—the key is how you do it.
Unhelpful: “I can’t do this right now.” [walks away]
Helpful: “I’m too upset to keep talking right now. Let’s come back to this tonight so I can really hear you.”
During the break, focus on calming activities—not ruminating on the argument. Go for a walk, listen to music, breathe. Then, return to the conversation. The commitment to come back makes all the difference between abandonment and respect.
Final Thoughts
Every couple experiences the Four Horsemen at some point. That doesn’t make your relationship doomed—it makes you human. What matters is how often they show up, and whether you learn to use the antidotes.
Here’s a quick recap:
Criticism → Gentle Startup
Contempt → Appreciation & Admiration
Defensiveness → Responsibility
Stonewalling → Self-Soothing & Return
Start with yourself. Notice when you’re falling into one of the Horsemen and practice shifting into the antidote. With practice, some couples even learn to gently point it out in each other: “Hey, I think I’m getting defensive—can we reset?”
Conflict isn’t the enemy. Avoiding it won’t bring closeness—but learning how to navigate it together will. With awareness and practice, the Four Horsemen don’t have to end a relationship. They can become opportunities to grow stronger together.