Why Communication Fails in Relationships and How to Fix It
All right, so what I’m going to talk about is why your communication in your relationship isn’t working—and why a lot of people fail from the very beginning. The impulse is wrong from the get-go. When we’re fighting, when we’re in conflict, in a marriage or a relationship, the default assumption is that it’s a debate. We’re trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong, who has the correct perspective in the relationship or the conflict.
But the fact of the matter is, that part is only secondary. It will come on its own, given that you approach the conflict from a better position, a better perspective—and really, a better attitude. The reason it’s a struggle from the start is that couples misunderstand what the point of conflict actually is. Conflict is not about whether we agree or disagree; that’s really not that relevant.
Conflict happens when we feel disconnected—when we feel unheard, unempathized with, invalidated. That’s when it happens, when we feel disconnected. So when I say conflict, what I really mean is that conflict can be good, meaning it’s a discussion and dialogue focused on understanding each other’s perspectives. Conflict isn’t going well when it turns into a fight or argument—when people are trying to convince each other, or trying to win. Because when you’re trying to win, you’re trying to make the other person lose. And that’s where attacking comes in: criticism, belittling, contempt—all these damaging things that are caustic to a healthy marriage or relationship.
The real question then becomes: how do you get somebody to feel connected to you? How do you make someone feel heard, seen, validated, and empathized with? I’d say it comes down to three main things to focus on—three things that help you approach communication differently. And most of this has to do with attitude, though a lot of it is behavior as well.
1. Curiosity
The first thing to focus on is curiosity—the ability to set aside your own agenda and truly seek to understand your partner’s perspective. You come from a space of I want to understand. Understand, “perspective” is about what they feel. Perspective is emotion within a context.
So you want to know: what did you feel during that? What made you feel that way? What escalated the conflict for you? Help me understand. Ask questions like:
How has this situation changed you?
What choices do you see ahead of us?
What are your goals here?
What are you feeling?
These kinds of questions deepen your understanding—and they also build intimacy. Curiosity works in two ways. First, it gives you accurate information. Second, the act of asking itself creates connection. It feels good when someone shows interest in you—especially when that person is your partner. Showing interest reinforces, I like you.
But it’s not just any curiosity—it’s what I call humble curiosity, as opposed to what I call inferent curiosity (from the word inference). Inferent curiosity means curiosity with an agenda—questions that are meant to lead the other person to a specific conclusion. In other words, you’re using curiosity as a tool to convince. In a courtroom, this would be called “leading the witness.”
For example:
Instead of asking, “What was that like for you last night, when we had that big blow-up?” you might say, “What do you think it was like for me last night?” or “Why didn’t you stop at the gym on the way home so you could have calmed down before you came home mad?” Those are not curious questions—they’re disguised arguments.
Humble curiosity, on the other hand, comes from a place of knowing that you don’t know. You know there’s a lot you’re missing. You’re asking questions simply to understand, not to fix or convince. You’re being humble rather than assumptive.
2. Validation
Once you’ve asked enough questions and started to get a sense of your partner’s feelings and perspective, the next thing is validation.
Validation doesn’t mean or require that you agree. That’s a crucial distinction. Validation is about accurately acknowledging what your partner feels and showing that it makes sense from their point of view.
For example:
“It makes sense why you felt attacked last night. When you walked into the house and heard me raise my voice, you were already worried about that conversation escalating, and that made you scared and frustrated.”
That’s validation. Essentially, validation is repeating back what you’ve heard them say—but doing it accurately and sincerely (You got this information from your humble curiosity questions). It’s how someone knows they’ve been heard.
If you find yourself unable to validate, there are usually two reasons. One, you haven’t asked enough questions—so go back to curiosity. If you don’t yet understand, keep asking. Remember: the death of communication starts with inference. As soon as you start assuming you know what your partner feels or needs, you stop asking, and you fill in the gaps with your own biases. That’s when things go off track.
The second reason is that sometimes your partner is expressing themselves through critical or harsh language that’s hard to validate. For instance, it’s tough to validate a statement like, “You were so cruel and dismissive last night.” That’s not emotion—it’s accusation. Good communication on both sides means expressing emotions rather than attacks. Instead of “You were cruel,” it’s “I felt really hurt and dismissed.” That shift opens dialogue instead of shutting it down.
3. Empathy
The last thing to focus on is empathy.
Once you’ve asked questions (curiosity) and validated their perspective (validation), empathy naturally follows. Empathy is when you start to feel the impact of your partner’s emotions and experiences—and you try to connect to them on a human level.
Empathy isn’t saying, “I know exactly how you feel.” It’s finding the closest thing in your own experience that allows you to relate.
For example, if someone’s child dies, most people can’t directly imagine that pain. But almost everyone has experienced some form of loss—whether it’s a parent, a friend, a teacher, or even a pet. You would never say that comparison aloud (“I know what you’re going through because my cat died”), but you use it internally to find emotional resonance. You think, What do I hope for my own child? Who do I love that deeply? What would it feel like if all of that were suddenly gone? It would be the worst! “oh my goodness! That’s what they’re feeling?!” That’s empathy.
Empathy is the ability to place yourself as closely as possible in someone else’s shoes, while knowing you can never fully inhabit them. It starts with humility—recognizing that your partner’s emotional world is unique, but still worth deeply trying to understand.
And an important note: none of this works when you’re angry or emotionally flooded. If you’re flooded, you need to step back, calm down, and come back to it. Empathy requires a calm nervous system.
Bringing It All Together
With these three things—curiosity, validation, and empathy—you start building connection instead of disconnection. It doesn’t solve everything immediately, but it lays the foundation for problem-solving.
Once both partners feel heard and understood, solutions almost always emerge naturally. When you’ve both had your turn to express, explore, and empathize, 95 times out of 100, the solution is obvious—because you’ve discovered what’s truly important and what isn’t.
When you approach conflict with these three tools, you stop trying to win and start trying to understand. And that’s when real communication begins to work.