Why Couples Feel Stuck in the Same Fight and Pattern
“We keep having the same arguments over and over.”
During phone consultations and the first few sessions with a couple the same phrase often comes up, “we keep having the same arguments over and over”, “we’re stuck in a pattern”, “it’s always the same fights”, and other phrases like that, it often feels very exhausting and hopeless because we ultimately feel stuck in these cycles of conflict. Eventually the wear and tear of these same conflicts erode at our relationships so we either quietly give up via never bringing needs or thoughts up or we eventually decide to separate entirely. This feeling and experience is called “gridlocked perpetual issues.”
When we’re in gridlock we find ourselves not liking the person we love the most. It starts to feel like we’re the only one making any correct movements towards connection or we’re the only one trying. Think of the last time that you experienced gridlocked traffic on the highway, where you almost wanted to put the car in park. On a really bad day, that traffic will cause us to become overly frustrated at the other drivers who may be honking their horns unnecessarily or switching lanes constantly; we even start to believe that if that person would stop doing those things then everything would begin to run a lot smoother. If only all of the other drivers would make some small changes to their behavior we could finally have some movement in this traffic. If only they would change.
During gridlocked conflict we start to become overly irritated at every little thing our partner does, we start to only look for the negative and are unwilling to observe the positive. Simply put, we stop giving them the benefit of the doubt. When we stop giving them the benefit of the doubt we start to feel hopeless, lonely, frustrated, annoyed, and sad. These feeling culminate into an overwhelming sense of despair that starts to feel neverending, “maybe we’re not meant for each other”, “it’s so easy, if they would just try harder maybe we could make this better”, “what is wrong with us, did I make a mistake marrying this person?” These types of thoughts or feelings are ones that I’ve heard many different times, you’re certainly not alone if you’ve felt this before.
What Gridlock on Perpetual Issues really is
In the Gottman framework, they define gridlocked perpetual issues as “problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something ‘uncomfortable.’ When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are ‘spinning their wheels’ and ‘getting nowhere’.” I’ll define them perhaps more simply. Perpetual issues are issues that will exists for the rest of the relationship unless their is consistent dialogue about these issues and when these issues stop being regularly discussed, they become gridlocked. Understand that a few conversations won’t fully solve these issues, but they will reduce some of the tension int he relationship, think of the difference between stop and go traffic vs. traffic that is steadily going 20 miles under the speed limit, big difference right?
Here are a few examples of perpetual issues:
Closeness vs space to unwind
Saver vs spender of money
Structure vs. spontaneity
Sex frequency
Parenting differences
Socializing vs staying in
Career vs family priority
Cleanliness and household standards.
The Pattern That Keeps Couples Stuck
Gridlock is maintained by a predictable interactional cycle. One partner pursues, the other withdraws. One escalates, the other shuts down. Physiological flooding makes listening nearly impossible, and the Four Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) turn the conversation into a threat response rather than a connection attempt.
The problem is no longer the topic; it becomes the dance.
The main culprit that causes gridlock in these perpetual issues is the lack of curiosity. Each person believes that they have the full scope of understanding what the other person wants out of this issue, but the problem is that they do not fully understand. Couples are trying to convince each other rather than understand one another. The examples above are perpetual issues that I see the most in my practice. Any one of those issues can have deep-rooted origins and meaning. For example, my wife and I certainly struggled with the first one “closeness vs space to unwind” when are children were younger. Both of us are introverted people (meaning we recharge by being alone), but we didn’t have the amount of individual time we had before when it was just the two of us. We found that once the girls were in bed, we wanted to spend time by ourselves to relax and unwind; but inevitably we found that we were putting the importance of our closeness and intimacy on the back burner in order to recharge individually so we could make it to the next day. We found that since we had stopped prioritizing our relationship, even during times of stress and overwhelm, we stopped giving each other the benefit of the doubt and reacting more harshly to each other than ever before. We had to have an intentional conversation about how we can prioritize connection while also recharging, this required difficult conversations over many weeks.
These issues are not about solving them quickly and succinctly with practical solution, they’re about understanding the meaning behind the needs because if we have this core difference between us then a simple solution will not solve anything in the long run. We have to learn HOW to discuss these differences, not how to not have any differences. Conflict isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing, it’s about feeling connected and on the same team (i.e. compromise).
The Dreams Beneath the Conflict
Movement begins when couples stop trying to win and start trying to understand. Every gridlocked position holds a dream: a longing for stability, adventure, competence, partnership, or being valued. When partners feel their dream is heard. without being debated, the nervous system settles and flexibility becomes possible.
Here is a valuable excerpt from one of the Gottman Institutes premier tools “Dreams within Conflict”:
Speaker’s Job
When you’re sharing your perspective, your job is to honestly talk about your feelings and beliefs about your position on this issue. Explore what this position means to you, what the dream might be behind your position, tell the story of the source of this dream or this belief: where it comes from and what it symbolizes. You must be clear and honest. What do you really want on this issue? Why is it important to you? Try to make your partner understand (agreeing isn’t necessary). Don’t argue for nor try to persuade your partner of your point of view; just explain how you see things. Tell your partner your thoughts and feelings about your position on this issue.
Listener’s Job
When it’s your turn to listen, your job is to make your partner feel SAFE enough to tell you what’s behind their position on the issue; their belief, dream or story. Toward this end, you will LISTEN, the way a friend would listen Ask the questions that draw our your partner and his or her point of view. You can contribute to this climate if you suspend judgment and don’t act likea judge but like someone who wants to hear your partner’s story, and the dream behind the story. Just hear it and don’t judge it.
Don’t try to solve the problem. It is much too soon for that. You first need to end the opposition of dreams and become one another’s friend instead of one another’s foe. Try to understand the meaning of your partner’s dream. Be interested.
It is important to realize that the goal is not to solve these problems. The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue, and to understand, in depth, their partner’s position.
Example of good questions to deepen your understanding:
Do you have any core beliefs, ethics or values that are part of your position on this issue?
Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your background or childhood history in some way?
Tell me why this is so important to you.
What feelings do you have about this issue?
What would be your ideal dream here?
Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
What do you wish for?
What do you need?
Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored?
Gottman’s “Dreams within Conflict” tools is one I use often in sessions and many couples have found great success using this guidance for how to better help each other feel understood.
From Gridlock to Dialogue
Gridlock rarely resolves through compromise alone. What creates movement is a shift in process: softened start-up, slower pacing, validation, and acceptance of enduring differences. Couples move from either/or to both/and, making room for two valid realities in the same relationship.
The goal is not to eliminate the difference, but to build a relationship strong enough to hold it.
When we are trying to persuade each other of our own perspective, we are necessarily trying to invalidate your partner’s perspective. In this invalidation, nobody is going to want to compromise or find common ground in a space where their is hopelessness and disconnection. In a relationship, we must be brave in our endeavors to understand, empathize, and validate one another’s perspective because in this connection we will be able to separate ourselves from our patterns of misunderstanding and contempt. In the end, perhaps with a bit of luck, we can choose connection and dialogue over disconnection and gridlock.