Four Horseman of the Apocalypse for Couples
When I work with couples, I give the most resources possible to enable the couple to succeed and make meaningful changes outside of sessions. One of my main tools, created by the Gottman Institute, is the Four Horsemen for Couples: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. These four communication styles can often be predictors of the end of a relationship, therefore steering a couple away from these communication styles is important.
Criticism - The main communication technique used by someone who is Criticizing is the use of “you” language (Criticism) instead of “I” language (Empathetic Complaint). An example of Criticism is “You never do anything nice for me anymore, you must not care about me at all? How selfish!” vs. an example of Complaint “I really enjoyed when you would do small things for me in the past, those small things meant so much to me.”
Contempt - While Criticism takes the stance of attacking the other person’s character, Contempt takes the position of moral superiority. For example, “You think you work hard? I work a full-time job and then have to come home to a spouse who gets to just stay home and tend to kids. You’re so lazy.” This communication technique is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness - Defensiveness is generally a response to harsh criticisms. This is the one I generally begin with my couples, if displayed, because it reaches a core piece of dysfunction. The feeling of not being able to be vulnerable with someone and being attacked regularly. An example of Defensiveness would be “What do you mean I don’t care about you? I go to work everyday to provide, you know how busy I am.” (this would be in response to the Criticism example)
Stonewalling - While the other 3 types of communication are active, Stonewalling is a much more passives and shutting down approach. The person who is expressing Stonewalling will often shutdown with any type of feedback and encourage the partner to “Talk about this another time?” indefinitely.
The important thing to remember about these communication styles is that simply learning about their use in your own relationship is empowering within itself. No solution will be able to reveal itself if the problem is not defined. I will continue to post blogs such as these often with varying topics. Thank you for reading and I hope the best for you!
References: The Gottman Institute’s website is @ https://www.gottman.com.