7 Signs It’s Time for Couples Therapy
1. You Keep Having the Same Arguments
This is one I see over and over in my practice. Couples saying “We just keep having the same arguments over and over” or “we’re stuck in the same pattern”. It’s a hard place to be in because you both feel like you’re trying, but your stuck. Nobody feels heard and eventually we either stop bringing up disconnecting moments all together or the conflict escalates.
2. You’re Talking, But Communication Isn’t Working
One or both of you feel like you’re the one trying to communicate in the relationship and it’s just not working. Maybe you’ve read books, listened to podcasts, or looked at online resources for how to change communication; none of it seems to work. This naturally leads to the next one.
3. There’s Growing Resentment
I’ve seen this a lot in my practice, wherein both partners feel like they’re the one who has been trying in the relationship but the other one isn’t showing up. This is a symptom needs not being met. What I tell couples all the time is “unmet needs necessarily lead to resentment and eventually contempt.” It’s just that sometimes we do a very poor job at communicating those needs.
4. You Feel More Like Roommates Than Partners
You got into your relationship to feel more connected, loved, wanted, and admired within it, not to be co-partners of your family or relationships. A lot of the times we feel like we’re just assuming the roles in which we have inhabited for many years (e.g. job, parenting, cleaning, job, cooking, grocery shopping) and we’re just ships passing in the night once the day’s chores are done. We either do our own thing in separate rooms all evening or we sit in the same room but barely say a word to one another.
5. You’ve Thought About Therapy (More Than Once)
More often than not the couples who are coming to couples therapy has been thinking about scheduling an appointment for a long time or they had a horrible experience in the past with couples therapy and are now ready to try again. If you’re considering whether or not to go to couples therapy, that means it is time to go. You’re just uncomfortable with opening up again or aren’t hopeful the other partner will be open to the idea of therapy, which is more than common.
6. Things Aren’t “Bad”… But They’re Not Good Either
You’ve settled for an okay relationship for a long time. Nobody can fault anyone for that, but often times we started settling in a time of difficulty (young children, just moved, early in the relationship, etc.) and we’re still acting as if we’re in that time of strife.
7. Your children are struggling in multiple ways and have for a long time
Raising children is a very difficult endeavor and filled to the rim with challenges that put us in impossible choices. The hard truth is that our children feed off the connection of our relationship. They absorb the moments of uncertainty, resentment, and disconnection as much as they do the stability, trust, and connection. As I tell my couples quite often “Children are good motivators, but not satiators”, meaning coming to therapy to help the children experience a more loving relationship between their parents can motivate change, but in order to maintain long-lasting change in the relationship, you both have to be wanting to grow for each other.