How Physiological Overwhelm Leads to Miscommunication in Relationships
For a long time now a lot of my couples therapy work has been influenced by the Gottman institute due to their consistent and diligent use of research and evidence based techniques. The most fascinating find within their multiple decades of research is that the first 3 minutes of conflict predicts with 95% accuracy whether or not the entire conflict will go well. What this means is that if the first 3 minutes go well then there’s a 95% chance the rest of it will go well, but if the first 3 minutes go poorly then there’s a 95% chance the rest of the conflict will go poorly. What this means practically is that most of the focus for communication improvement should be on the beginning statements, how you introduce conflict.
Why the first 3 minutes are important to quality communication.
All animals are extremely first impression focused and bias towards focusing on the negative. We preserve our first impression of someone in a steel container and are hard to be persuaded for changing that impression (importantly, this includes the first impression of any new conversation). This mainly has to do with our constant assessment of danger that is ever-present in our minds and body (i.e. fight, flight, or freeze tendencies). I find that most people give strangers the benefit of the doubt as long as that stranger passes all of their subconscious tests for safety (e.g. non-threatening posture, smile (or at least not a furled brow), no weapons, etc.) This is a good thing, it helps us make new friends, colleagues, and allies in an every day basis. But should a stranger not pass your test then you’re going to be keeping an eye on them I’m sure, this is your body protecting itself based on all of it’s learned experiences of the past. Your body and brain doesn’t care about what the most healthy or socially acceptable response to perceived danger is, it cares about what response will produce an immediate sense of security. In a relationship, this will show itself through criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
In a relationship, let’s say we’re past the beginning few months of the relationship, have moved in together, and have a few conflicts under our belts. We’ve spent that time learning about each other, loving on each other, and generally building a deeper, intimate relationship. However, we’ve also been building a rulebook about one another so that we can learn where and when to be vulnerable or not; perhaps the toughest part about this rulebook is that we put it with all the other rulebooks created in all relationships in a pile simply labeled “How I should act in relationships.” Furthermore, we also have something called “negativity bias” which is our tendency to focus on negatives far more than positives. This is why the first 3 minutes is the most important because if you give your partner one small sign of disdain, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or judgement then they are going to cross-reference your poor communication with what they’ve done in the past in order to learn how they should react in the moment.
For example, one of the most common dynamics I’ve seen in my clinical practice is the pursuer and distancer relationship. This type of relationship has to do with how each partner reacts differently to uncomfortable conflict. The distancer responds to disconnection and discomfort with the need for space and time by themselves, they need distance from the relationship so that they can collect their thoughts and calm down in peace. Maybe they were taught this in childhood wherein their parents would often explode in anger and the only safe haven for de-escalation was their bedroom because they could lock it from the inside. The pursuer however has quite the opposite need. The pursuer responds to disconnection and discomfort with the need to stay together and discuss the conflict then and there. The pursuer often chases the other person and follows them around in order to have the conversation ASAP, even when either one of them are clearly physiologically overwhelmed. Maybe they were taught in this in childhood wherein their parents would often tell them “I can’t talk about this right now” yet never bring it up again. They were taught that if I don’t make a fuss of things right now, then I’ll never be heard. It is easy to see how these understandable reactions can be in conflict with one another. Through couples therapy and/or quality communication, you work on proving these bias wrong.
How to tend to physiological overwhelm.
When we get into a heated moment in a relationship, our bodies often react before our thinking brain does. Your heart rate goes up, your muscles tense, and stress hormones are released. This is called physiological flooding. When that happens, the part of the brain responsible for short-term memory, reflection, and self-control temporarily goes offline. That means you can’t easily remember what you were about to say, what you practiced in therapy, or even what your real intention was in the conversation. In those moments, you’re not choosing to forget or choosing to react badly. Your nervous system is prioritizing protection over connection.
Because short-term memory is impaired, the brain falls back on automatic, well-learned responses like defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt, whether or not those are the behaviors you actually want. This is why insight alone isn’t enough to change behavior during conflict. You can fully understand a better way to respond and still be unable to access it when you’re flooded. That’s also why the first step in changing relationship patterns isn’t ‘trying harder’ in the moment, it’s noticing when flooding starts and helping the body settle first. Once the nervous system calms down, memory comes back online, and real choice becomes possible again.
When our bodies starts to feel overwhelmed, like our heart is racing or our thoughts are spinning, that’s flooding. In that state, we can’t think clearly or access my best responses. The most helpful thing to do is pause and tend to our bodies first: slow our breathing, ground ourselves, or take a short break. This isn’t avoidance, it’s regulation. Once our nervous system settles, our memory and choice come back online, and we can return to the conversation more present and constructive. Identifying the behaviors which will guarantee a reduction in flooding so that you can come back to the conflict is of the upmost importance. The key here is: If either one of you are flooded during conflict, take a 30 minute break from one another, physiologically self-soothe and distract, then try to return to the conflict while not flooded.
Creating the rule book in your relationship
In relationships with strong communication, we slowly create this rule book: an understanding of each other’s triggers, sensitivities, and signals of overwhelm. This rule book isn’t about rules or control; it’s about learning what helps our partner feel safe when stress rises. Because physiological flooding shuts down memory, flexibility, and empathy in the first moments of conflict, these early agreements matter most when we’re least able to think clearly. When we know how flooding shows up for each other, and how past relationships or childhood experiences shaped those responses, we’re more likely to respond with kindness and curiosity instead of criticism and contempt. In those crucial first three minutes, this shared understanding allows us to slow things down, protect the nervous system, and choose connection over defense, even before words fully catch up.