Communication in relationships
When couples come to see me, and I mean literally every couple I’ve ever worked with, I ask them, “What do you want to get out of these sessions?” Almost without fail, they say, “We want to work on our communication.”
And that makes sense. Communication is the foundation of most relationship work — and it’s primarily what we focus on in sessions. But that leads to an important question: What actually is communication? What does it mean to communicate effectively?
The truth is, most of us are actually pretty good at communicating in theory. But there are a few key factors that get in the way. Let me break them down into three main points:
1. Understanding Yourself First
One of the biggest obstacles to communication is that we often don’t actually know what we’re feeling. We haven’t spent enough time reflecting on our own inner world. So how can we express our needs or feelings to someone else if we’re unclear about them ourselves?
That’s why one of the first things I work on with couples is developing emotional awareness — the ability to identify and articulate our internal experiences. And not just general emotions like “happy,” “sad,” or “angry,” but more nuanced ones like “remorseful,” “ashamed,” “excited,” or “disconnected.” These tell a richer, more meaningful story.
In sessions, I often use what's called an emotions wheel — a tool I keep next to the couch — to help couples find more specific words for what they’re feeling. Because once you can name what you feel, you can begin to communicate it clearly.
2. Regulating Your Physiological State
Another major barrier to good communication is our physiological state. When we’re stressed, exhausted, or emotionally triggered, we enter what’s called a flooded state — something the Gottman Method often refers to. That’s when your body goes into fight-or-flight mode. Your heart rate spikes, your thinking narrows, and you’re no longer able to access calm, thoughtful language.
I’m sure you’ve experienced this — maybe you’re in a discussion with your partner that turns tense, and suddenly, you're saying things you regret or interpreting things as attacks. It can escalate fast, and before you know it, the conversation has veered completely off track.
That’s why self-awareness and self-regulation are essential. If you’ve had a stressful day, didn’t sleep well, or are just feeling “off” it's important to pause and notice your state. Maybe take a walk, breathe deeply, or give yourself a moment to settle. Physiological self-soothing is not just helpful — it’s necessary for productive communication.
3. Using “I” Language Instead of “You” Language
This is a classic couples therapy technique, but for good reason — it’s incredibly effective. When we use “you” language, we’re often placing blame or assigning meaning to our partner’s actions:
“You never listen to me.”
“You always work too much.”
“You don’t care about my feelings.”
Even if those statements come from pain, they tend to be heard as criticism. And criticism, even if unintended, shuts down dialogue. It leads to defensiveness, not understanding.
Instead, we practice using “I” language:
“I feel unheard.”
“I’ve been feeling disconnected lately.”
“I’m struggling because I miss spending time together.”
Do you hear the difference? “I” statements communicate your internal experience without assuming or assigning intention to your partner. They open the door to dialogue, rather than monologue. They say, “This is my experience — and I want to understand yours too.”
So to summarize, if you want to improve your communication — in therapy or at home — start with these three foundational steps:
Know what you’re feeling by developing emotional awareness.
Manage your physiological state so you're grounded and clear-headed.
Use “I” language to share your experience rather than blame.
If you can focus on these, you’re already off to a really strong start.