Building Trust in a Relationship
“Trust is not a gift. It must be earned, and not with verbal reassurance alone, but with specific changes in behavior.” Building trust is a lifelong journey with moments of growth and struggle. All couples go through moments of confusion and waning trust. However, trust can certainly be built over time and even serious betrayals can be worked through towards recovery.
The way to explain the building of trust is through the Sliding Door analogy. Nearly every interaction with your partner has an opportunity for turning towards or turning away. I’ll give an example from my own life: After a long day at work, I come home exhausted and with hopes of a hot meal and a shower. I really just want some time to relax. However, when I walk in our home I notice my wife has her face in her palms. Clearly she is going through something difficult. This is the sliding door moment. I can choose to turn away from my wife and go take my much desired shower. If I choose this, obviously our marriage will not fail because of this one choice, but no trust will build. However, if I choose to turn towards my wife and comfort her in her obvious moment of distress, I will build more trust with her. Thankfully I was able to choose the latter. One moment isn’t all that important, it’s the collection of moments of building trust vs. turning away. The moments of choosing to sacrifice over your own comfort.
Noticing the difference between distrust and betrayal are also valuable when searching for a solution in your relationship. Distrust is built after multiple moments of your partner turning away, over and over again. Betrayal is also this, but with the precursor moments of comparing your alternatives while in a relationship, saying things such as: “I can do better than him!” or “Who needs this crap?”. Building resentment against your partner instead of gratitude. The feeling of betrayal (e.g. affair) is a much deeper and painful experience.
With all of that said, there is always hope for building trust even in the most damaged relationships if you are willing to commit to the effort. Not all couples should stay together. This is a decision both you and your partner will make before deciding how to approach rebuilding trust. Just know that you’re not alone.