After a Conflict: A Brief Repair Guide
What I’ve written below is a simple step by step guide for how to repair after a conflict. I use this often with my couples in order to aid them in reducing disconnection so that they can later continue to discussion.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
The primary way to repair is to help both partners feel understood. At this moment, the goal is to help each other “process” the incident without getting back into the conflict. It needs to be conversational and most importantly both partners must be calm and have some emotional distance from the incident before starting. This is an approach derived from the Gottman Institute’s “Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident.”
RULES
This should be conversational, you’re not trying to solve anything right now.
Only start this repair once both partners are calm and have same emotional distance from the conflict.
If either partner becomes physiologically flooded, take a break.
Both partners must assume that the other’s experience of the conflict is valid. This does not mean that you agree, but that you can simply understand their perspective.
Neither partner will try to convince the other of their own perspective.
Avoid the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling)
Make all of your statement start with “I” instead of “You” in order to help each other not feel attacked
Focus on what you’re feeling, not what your partner did.
Be clear and specific. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.
Step One: Share Emotions Felt During the Conflict
The goal here is for each partner to share three different emotions that they felt during the conflict. We start this way in order to set the foundation of the conflict to be focused on emotions rather than partners. DO NOT share why you felt these emotions, simply label them. Some example emotions are provided below:
Defensive Not listened to Totally flooded Angry Sad Unloved Frustrated Criticized Like you don’t like me Worried Afraid Unsafe Morally justified Unappreciated Stupid Stubborn Attacked Belittled Uncomfortable Lonely My opinions didn’t matter Alienated Ashamed Abandoned Exhausted Foolish Tired Shocked
Step Two: Share Your Experience
Each partner will now take turns sharing their perspective of what happened during the regrettable incident. Be careful not to describe your partner, describe your reality of the conflict as you experienced it. The goal on step 2 is for each partner to have a turn sharing their perspective about the conflict while the other partner listens and reflects back what they said.
Here are some prompts to follow as the partner sharing their perspective:
What happened from my perspective was… (focus on phrases like “I heard you say…” instead of “you said…”)
What felt especially painful or important to me?
What did I need that I wasn't getting?
Listener:
Summarize what your partner said in their words.
Do not add your own thoughts or perspective.
After you’ve summarized, ask “Did I get that right?”
If they say no, try again after they’ve informed you what was missing.
Validate the experience, even if you remember events differently.
Step Three: Share Triggers
The goal of step 3 is to share what escalated the interaction for you. We often experience conflict differently, so it’s important to understand what we might have done that caused our partner to feel overwhelmed.
Share what escalated the interaction for you.
What events in the interaction triggered a big reaction in you? Be specific and tangible. What exact event (word(s), actions, etc.)
Spend a few minutes thinking about your past wherein you felt a similar set of feelings (labeled in step 1) triggered in the past.
Now tell the story of that past moment to your partner, so your partner can understand why that is a trigger for you. This can be a moment in the relationship or outside of it.
Now spend another few minutes thinking about your early history or childhood.
Is there a story you remember that is related to what got triggered in you, your “enduring vulnerabilities”? Your partner needs to know you, so that your partner can be more sensitive to you.
Step Four: Take Responsibility
Under ideal conditions, you may have talked about this issue better.
What set me up for the miscommunication?
Share how you set yourself up to get into this conflict. Read aloud the items that were true for you on this list:
I’ve been very stressed and irritable.
I’ve not expressed much appreciation toward you.
I’ve taken you for granted.
I’ve been overly sensitive.
I’ve been overly critical.
I’ve not shared much of my inner world.
I’ve not been emotionally available.
I’ve been turning away more.
I’ve been getting easily upset.
I’ve been depressed.
I’ve had a chip on my shoulder.
I’ve not been very affectionate.
I’ve not made time for good things between us.
I’ve not been a very good listener.
I’ve not asked for what I needed.
I’ve been feeling a bit like a martyr.
I’ve needed to be alone.
I’ve not wanted to take care of anybody.
I have been very preoccupied.
I haven’t felt very much confidence in myself.
I’ve been running on empty.
What do you regret about this incident or fight, and what was your contribution?
Be specific.
What do you wish to apologize for? (Read aloud)
I’m sorry that:
I over-reacted.
I was really grumpy.
I was defensive.
I was so negative.
I attacked you.
I didn’t listen to you.
I wasn’t respectful.
I was unreasonable.
Other: ______________________________
Step Five: Plan for Next Time
Each partner labels three things:
Share one thing your partner can do to make this disconnection go better next time. (It’s important to remain calm as you do this)
Then, while it’s still your turn, share one thing you can do to make it better next time.
Lastly, what was one thing your partner did well during this conversation.
End with Repair
Finish by expressing appreciation or affection.
Examples: Thank you for listening, I understand you better now, and/or a hug.
Remember: The goal is not to determine who was right. The goal is to leave the conversation feeling understood, connected, and better prepared for the next conflict.