When couples have been together for a long time, it can become surprisingly easy to focus more on what bothers them about each other rather than what they appreciate. Small frustrations, disagreements, and unmet needs can gradually take up more space in the relationship. You might find yourself noticing the things your partner doesn't do rather than the things they do well. According to the Gottman institute, maintaining a sense of fondness and admiration is an important part of keeping a relationship healthy. It means continuing to recognize the good qualities in your partner, appreciating who they are, and remembering why you chose to build a life together in the first place.
What Are Fondness and Admiration?
Fondness and admiration are about maintaining a sense of respect, appreciation, and affection for your partner. This doesn't mean believing your partner is perfect or ignoring their flaws. It means being able to recognize their positive qualities even when you are frustrated with them. Maybe you admire how hard your partner works, appreciate how they care for y’all’s children, or love that they can make you laugh when you are having a difficult day. Sometimes it is even simpler, like appreciating their kindness, patience, or willingness to help others. These feelings are important because they remind you that your partner is more than the person you sometimes argue with.
Gottman considers fondness and admiration an important part of what they call the Sound Relationship House. When couples maintain a positive view of each other, they are better able to handle disagreements without losing respect. They can be frustrated with something their partner said or did without allowing that frustration to define how they see the person as a whole. In contrast, when appreciation disappears, couples can begin to view each other through a much more negative lens. Small mistakes become evidence of larger character flaws, and even ordinary interactions can start to feel irritating. I see this all the time with the couples I work with.
How Resentment and Contempt Get in the Way
One of the biggest problems that develops when fondness and admiration fade is resentment. Resentment often builds when one partner feels repeatedly hurt, overlooked, unappreciated, or taken for granted. Over time, these feelings can change how you interpret your partner's behavior. Something that might have once seemed like a harmless mistake can begin to feel like another example of how little your partner cares. You may start keeping track of everything they do wrong while overlooking the things they do right. Eventually, it can become difficult to feel affection toward someone you have grown accustomed to feeling angry with.
This can also create an environment where contempt begins to develop. Gottman considers contempt one of the most damaging patterns in a relationship. Contempt goes beyond being frustrated or angry. It involves treating your partner as though they are beneath you, less intelligent, or somehow less worthy of respect. It can show up through sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, or making your partner feel foolish. When contempt becomes a regular part of how couples interact, it becomes very difficult to maintain feelings of closeness and admiration. It is hard to feel emotionally safe with someone who regularly makes you feel small.
How to Build Fondness and Admiration Again
One of the simplest ways to strengthen fondness and admiration is to become more intentional about noticing what you appreciate about your partner. Instead of focusing exclusively on what frustrates you, make an effort to recognize the things they do well. Maybe they handled a difficult situation with patience, took care of something around the house, or made an effort to spend time with you. Tell them when you notice these things. A genuine expression of appreciation can go a long way, especially when it becomes a regular part of the relationship rather than something reserved for special occasions.
It can also help to spend time remembering what you initially appreciated about each other. What qualities attracted you to your partner? What did you admire about them when you first started dating? What are some things they still do today that you value? Couples sometimes become so focused on the responsibilities of everyday life that they stop talking about these things altogether. Taking time to share what you appreciate, express affection, and remind each other of the qualities you value can help bring some of that positive feeling back into the relationship.
Appreciation Doesn't Mean Ignoring Problems
It is important to understand that building fondness and admiration does not mean overlooking legitimate relationship problems. If you feel unsupported, repeatedly hurt, or frustrated by something your partner does, those concerns deserve to be addressed. Simply trying to focus on the positive will not resolve deeper problems that need attention. The goal is to learn how to recognize your partner's good qualities while still being honest about the things that need to change. You can appreciate someone and still be upset with them. You can respect someone and still disagree with their decisions.
For couples experiencing significant resentment, rebuilding fondness and admiration may take time. It is difficult to suddenly feel appreciation toward someone when you have been carrying hurt for years. In those situations, couples may first need to address unresolved conflicts, take responsibility for past behavior, and begin treating each other with greater respect. Small expressions of appreciation can help, but they need to be supported by meaningful changes in how partners interact with each other.
Start Noticing the Good Again
A healthy relationship doesn't require you to love everything about your partner. It does, however, require maintaining some appreciation for who they are, even when things aren't going well. Try making a habit of telling your partner one thing you appreciate about them each day. Notice the small things they do, express gratitude, and make an effort to recognize their positive qualities rather than taking them for granted. You might be surprised by how often those qualities get overlooked when your attention is focused primarily on frustration.
Over time, the way you think about your partner influences the way you treat them. When you regularly notice their good qualities, it becomes easier to approach them with patience, affection, and respect. When you regularly focus on their shortcomings, resentment and criticism can become the default. Fondness and admiration are not just feelings that happen naturally in a relationship. They are also things couples can actively maintain by making an effort to see, appreciate, and respect each other.