Turning Towards: Small Moments That Can Strengthen Your Relationship
When couples think about improving their relationship, they often focus on the big things: resolving arguments, rebuilding trust, or improving communication. But according John Gottman, who has done many decades of research on the topic, the health of a relationship is also shaped by the small, everyday moments couples share. He calls this Turning Towards. It means paying attention and responding when your partner tries to connect with you, even in small ways. Over time, these moments help couples feel closer, more supported, and more connected. Much like friendship!
What Does Turning Towards Look Like?
Throughout the day, your partner makes little attempts to connect with you. They might tell you something funny that happened at work, point out something interesting, ask about your day, or reach for your hand while sitting together. Gottman calls these bids for connection. Sometimes they are obvious, like asking for a hug, but other times they are subtle. Turning towards means responding to these moments with interest and attention. It might be as simple as looking up from your phone, asking a follow-up question, or taking a moment to laugh together.
Gottman describes three ways we tend to respond to these bids. We can turn towards our partner by engaging with them, turn away by ignoring or missing their attempt to connect, or turn against them by responding with irritation or criticism. Imagine your partner says, “You won't believe what happened to me today.” Turning towards might mean asking, “What happened?” Turning away might mean continuing to scroll on your phone without responding. Turning against might sound like, “Can you just get to the point?” These moments might seem insignificant on their own, but repeated over time, they can shape how connected or disconnected a couple feels.
Why These Small Moments Matter
When your partner regularly responds to you with interest and attention, you begin to feel that you matter to them. You feel more comfortable sharing your thoughts, talking about your day, and reaching out when you need support. When these attempts are repeatedly ignored or met with irritation, you may gradually stop reaching out. You might begin to feel more like roommates than partners, even if you rarely have major arguments. The difference often comes down to what happens in the ordinary moments when one person tries to connect with the other.
Turning towards also helps couples handle disagreements. When you feel loved and supported in everyday life, it is often easier to give your partner the benefit of the doubt during an argument. You are more likely to remember that you are on the same team, even when you disagree. This does not mean that turning towards will solve every relationship problem or prevent conflict. Instead, it helps build the connection that makes working through those problems easier.
How to Practice Turning Towards
Start by paying more attention to how you respond when your partner tries to connect with you. Do you look up when they start talking? Do you ask questions about their day? Do you share in their excitement when something good happens? You do not need to stop everything you are doing every time your partner speaks, but making an effort to acknowledge them can go a long way. Sometimes a few seconds of genuine attention can mean more than a long conversation where you are distracted.
It is also important to remember that turning towards does not mean always agreeing with your partner or being available every moment. If you are busy, you can say, “I want to hear about that, but can we talk in a few minutes when I finish this?” The important part is showing that you care about connecting, even when the timing is not right. You can also ask your partner what helps them feel connected to you and share what makes you feel connected to them. You may discover that small things, like a hug, a follow-up question, or a few minutes talking before bed, mean more to your relationship than you realized.
Start With the Small Things
If you and your partner have grown distant, these small moments can be a good place to start rebuilding your connection. However, if there is a lot of hurt or resentment between you, reconnecting may also require addressing those deeper problems. You cannot fix years of disconnection with a few kind gestures, but you can begin changing the pattern by showing up for each other in small, consistent ways.
The goal is not to respond perfectly every time. Everyone gets distracted, misses cues, and has moments when they are too tired or overwhelmed to engage. What matters is making a regular effort to notice your partner and respond with interest and care. The next time your partner tells you a story, points something out, or reaches for your attention, take a moment to turn towards them. A stronger relationship is often built through the little moments when we show each other, “I'm listening, I'm interested, and you matter to me.”