Exercise to Increase Emotional Connection

Written By Richard Shaw

Why this exercise is helpful

Often in relationships we lose sight of what’s important and how we fell in love in the first place. One of the more accessible ways to reconnect in a relationship is through reinforcement of positive qualities that they have exemplified in past events. This is a technique derived from the Gottman clinical entitled “‘I Appreciate…’ Adjective Checklist”. I use this exercise with most couples at least once during treatment in order to remind them of why they’re here in the first place. Afterall, if there isn’t hope for the future then it’s incredibly difficult to discuss present problems.

The Exercise

What you want to do is look over this list of adjectives that I have provided then have each partner pick out 7 different adjectives that the other has exemplified in the past. This helps each partner reorient back to focusing on what makes the relationship work instead of hyper-focusing on what is wrong with the relationship.

For example: “I picked the word WARM because I remember a few years back when I was really struggling with whether or not to change careers and at the time I was very vulnerable and worried about your response, but you responded in such a warm and comforting way that I felt more secure about my decision. I really appreciated that.”

  • Supportive

  • Thoughtful

  • Attentive

  • Patient

  • Kind

  • Generous

  • Compassionate

  • Encouraging

  • Affectionate

  • Reliable

  • Consistent

  • Understanding

  • Forgiving

  • Loyal

  • Honest

  • Respectful

  • Gentle

  • Playful

  • Fun-loving

  • Reassuring

  • Empathetic

  • Present

  • Engaged

  • Nurturing

  • Protective

  • Considerate

  • Giving

  • Selfless

  • Devoted

  • Trustworthy

  • Grounded

  • Calm

  • Steady

  • Flexible

  • Adaptable

  • Open-minded

  • Curious

  • Reflective

  • Insightful

  • Intentional

  • Proactive

  • Motivated

  • Hardworking

  • Dedicated

  • Responsible

  • Accountable

  • Honest-hearted

  • Warm

  • Welcoming

  • Inclusive

  • Gracious

  • Polite

  • Courteous

  • Uplifting

  • Affirming

  • Validating

  • Receptive

  • Collaborative

  • Cooperative

  • Team-oriented

  • Invested

  • Committed

  • Faithful

  • Passionate

  • Attuned

  • Observant

  • Reassuring

  • Comforting

  • Stabilizing

  • Protective

  • Dependable

  • Resourceful

  • Creative

  • Solution-focused

  • Growth-oriented

  • Resilient

  • Patient-hearted

  • Easygoing

  • Balanced

  • Centered

  • Grounding

  • Hopeful

  • Optimistic

  • Lighthearted

  • Respect-boundary-aware

  • Self-aware

  • Honest-communicating

  • Repair-oriented

  • Apologetic (in a healthy way)

  • Accountable-minded

  • Fair

  • Just

  • Appreciative

  • Grateful

  • Celebratory

  • Affirming of others

  • Loving

  • Safe

  • Secure

Richard Shaw
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7 Signs It’s Time for Couples Therapy